Crossing My Fingers

At this very moment, I am hoping to either already be pregnant or to get pregnant in the next few hours. I know... TMI. This is the perfect time for me to get pregnant; being a teacher, I would ideally like to have a baby in April and then be on maternity leave for the rest of the school year. But sometimes even the best laid plans don't work out.

The last time my husband and I tried to have a baby, it took almost 3 years. Each time I found out I wasn't pregnant, my spirit broke. I hope it doesn't take as long the second time around. I'm trying to stay optimistic though and I have a lot of things going in my favor. Most importantly is that I'm pretty healthy right now. I certainly am not perfect in my weight, but I'm physically active and at a healthier weight than I have been in a long time. Over the past couple of years, running has become part of my life. I've fallen in love with the feeling of freedom and conquering my own body that comes with pushing myself. In fact, this past May, I finished my first half marathon. Since I started running, it's become very much like my secret lover. I feel like I have to sneak away several times a week to get that rush of adrenaline that comes with running.

While I was training for the half marathon, there were many times when I felt guilty for sneaking out of the house before my son saw me. There were times when saw me leaving and cried out for me to stay and play with him. I felt like I was putting my family second. But now I've realized that without running (I took a little break after the half marathon), I'm not as happy. I feel anxious, fat, unattractive, too pale, weak, unfunny, that my feet are to big,uncreative ... the list is never ending. I know some of those things have nothing to do with running, but the fact is that running makes me feel great. I'm a better mom after a run. I have more energy and feel more balanced. This is why I KNOW I cannot last 9 whole months of pregnancy without running. My goal for myself is to continue running while balancing my life as a mom (which is why my jogging stroller is my favorite gift ever-- thanks Mom and Dad), and although I'm not pregnant yet, I plan to run safely throughout my pregnancy for my sanity, for my health, and for my family (and apparently some of my students who stated I was crazy during my first pregnancy).

Anyone who knew me during my pregnancy with Dylan knows that I let myself get a little too big. I won't say how many pounds I gained (although people felt free to ask while I was pregnant... I'll never get over the lack of boundaries have while talking to pregnant women), but here's a picture of me at my shower two whole months before Dylan was even born.

I am determined to not let myself get in that state again. Hopefully running will allow me to stay healthier and lighter throughout.